Round up the Bingo boards and the Depends®! It’s time for one last Indiana Jones movie!

This time, our intrepid (and geriatric) hero takes on Soviets, nukes, aliens, old girlfriends, and loss of tenure. It’s a bit of a change from the archeological exploits of a younger Jones, when he was digging up inaccurately-depicted biblical relics or taking on occultic demon-worshipers. As a result, you may have heard your friends sighing about how “disappointing” this movie was. Don’t believe them; they are wrong. The Indiana Jones formula is intact, even if the villains and set pieces have changed.

Your friends may think this movie isn’t as good as the old trilogy, but they need to go back and watch Temple of Doom. It was good, but not great. Crystal Skull is better than Temple of Doom, if not quite as good as the other two. So it’s a worthy fourth installment to an aged, wrinkly series.

In my (sage) opinion, it’s the…agedness…of the older movies that has uncorked all the criticism. We are blinded by this thing called nostalgia, which is a word that means, “movies you saw as a kid aren’t as good as you think they are.” Take Top Gun, for instance. It’s a good movie. But to hear some of my friends talk, you would think it had descended from heaven—fresh, juicy, and dripping with savory butter. You see, many people from my generation saw it as kids, and kids don’t understand what a good movie is (which is why they get so excited about Kung Fu Panda). Now, the original Indiana Jones trilogy were great movies—even revolutionary. But because this new one doesn’t produce those same feelings of nostalgia, critics rip it to pieces. I’m not really sure what Spielberg and co. could have done to please Indy fans. Frankly, I think they came as close as they’re gonna get.

Now, my movie reviews are very formulaic; they begin with my opinion of the movie, which degenerates into a rant about movies and movie-watchers. Then comes the part where I pick out random things I liked and didn’t like about the movie, which is where we are at right now. I do have one bone to pick with Crystal Skull. Since when is an old geezer able to survive a nuclear blast at ground zero by hiding in a fridge? Especially when this conveniently lead-lined fridge is hurled like a tin can across the desert? I, for one, would have been turned to jelly; Harrison Ford emerges unscathed. Sadly, it is a common (and retarded) trend in movies today for the heroes to walk away, whistling cheerfully, after vicious physical punishment which should have left them maimed, crippled, and drooling—if not dead. No one survives a fall from a skyscraper uninjured, period.

I guess that kind of turned into a rant, too.

What did I like? Well, I liked the monkeys. I don’t know why. They just cracked me up for some reason. Also, the ants were pretty cool. And the heroes were fun to cheer for—even Shia LaBeouf. People seem to get annoyed by him, but he doesn’t usually bother me. I wonder why that is.

So the time has come to conclude this review. Here is my rating system:

  • I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
  • I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
  • I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
  • I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull scores…

$$$ (three dollars)

Not too shabby!