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The Single Life: A Season of Suffering
Suffering is a strong word, isn’t it? Where do I get off describing the single life as “a season of suffering”? Isn’t suffering something for an underground church pastor in a foreign country who gets his arms and legs broken for preaching the gospel? Or perhaps for a woman whose husband leaves her because he can’t handle the stress of her terminal cancer?
Well, yes it is, obviously. Nevertheless, I think we can all agree that there are degrees of suffering. The suffering some people have to face goes beyond what language can describe, even language at its most poetic. However, I want to broaden our understanding of what suffering is—not to water it down, but to convince you of the love of God. He has provided his Word to help you in every difficulty you may face, no matter how minor. And suffering is simply hardship that challenges our faith. In his book Desiring God, John Piper offers these words:
All experiences of suffering in the path of Christian obedience, whether from persecution or sickness or accident, have this in common: They all threaten our faith in the goodness of God and tempt us to leave the path of obedience. Therefore, every triumph of faith and all perseverance in obedience are testimonies to the goodness of God and the preciousness of Christ—whether the enemy is sickness, Satan, sin, or sabotage.
Therefore, all suffering, of every kind, that we endure in the path of our Christian calling is a suffering “with Christ” and “for Christ.” With Him in the sense that the suffering comes to us as we are walking with Him by faith and in the sense that it is endured in the strength He supplies through His sympathizing high-priestly ministry (Hebrews 4:15). For Him in the sense that the suffering tests and proves our allegiance to His goodness and power and in the sense that it reveals His worth as an all-sufficient compensation and prize. (p. 257)
We cannot dodge suffering forever. We can try to medicate or entertain it away, but even in the Disneyland of Western culture, it finds us. Following the above quotation, Piper adds that suffering is “intended by Satan for the destruction of our faith and governed by God for the purifying of our faith.” Wherever on earth we go, Satan will try to destroy us, but God will be there to restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish us (1 Peter 5:8–11).
Now, here’s what I find so wonderful about this understanding of suffering. God’s Word helps us here! In the Psalms, which deal extensively with suffering, we learn how to come to God with whatever pain we are experiencing, whether physical or emotional. We see in Jesus and in his followers—especially the apostle Paul—the joy that suffering can bring. We begin to realize that there is no sorrowful or melancholy thought that the Holy Spirit cannot console through the Word, and that we truly can rejoice in any circumstance.
When it comes to being single, there is suffering. There must be. A thread of suffering runs through every stage of life. If you are single, you will suffer. If you are married, you will suffer. If you are a child, you will suffer. If you are an adult, you will suffer. If you are a man, you will suffer. If you are a woman, you will suffer. In each situation, there is a different quality to the suffering. In this post, I want to focus particularly on the suffering that a single person faces, because in doing so, you and I can then turn to God’s Word and learn how to respond to this thread of suffering in our lives or in the lives of others.
Perhaps you are single, and as you consider your life, you do not sense any sort of suffering in the way that I am about to describe. Wonderful! Perhaps this is an indication that you are spiritually gifted to remain single, faithfully serving the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:7–8). However, not all people suffer to the same degree; some have a strong desire for marriage, and this desire is not wrong (at least, not unless it becomes one’s identity, a consuming need for marriage which is nothing short of idolatry). Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that there is something wrong with you if you want to be married. After all, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Yet many with this desire only experience a “hope deferred”; they know what that sickness of heart feels like (Proverbs 13:12). It may not be a consuming pain, but the suffering is still there. I can think of at least six ways in which the single life may bring suffering, ranging from the almost absurdly minor to the more difficult and painful:
- Awkwardness. You are often questioned about your relationship status. Well-meaning people try to set you up with someone you’re not interested in. You have to take great care how friendly you are toward single people of the opposite sex so as not to arouse unwanted interest.
- Loneliness. There is no one to go home to, no one to climb into bed with, no one to hold, no one to rejoice in as you share a life as “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
- Rejection. A person whom you have been dating for over a year ends the relationship. A young woman turns you down when you ask her out. You go for years without any interest from the young men you know. You really like someone and long for him or her to return your affection, but he or she shows no interest in you.
- Alienation. In many churches, you are treated as not-quite-an-adult. When your good friends marry, they withdraw from you because they’re convinced you can’t understand their new life together. The pastor’s sermons always seem to be addressed toward marriage and family life and never to your struggles. (Thankfully, none of these are the case at my church!)
- Despair. Weeks turn to months turn to years. And still, there is no one. Nor does there seem to be any chance that things will change. Once again, “hope deferred makes the heart sick.”
- Unfulfilled sexual desire. Martin Luther once observed, “To bear and to overcome [sexual desires] until the age of forty is truly a grievous and great burden.” For you, these words ring true—sexual temptation is absolutely relentless. Pornography is unbelievably easy to access; immodest dress is the norm among friends, classmates, and coworkers; and your mind eagerly rushes toward sexual fantasy.
Whether rejection or despair or unfulfilled sexual desire, perhaps you find yourself asking, “How long, O LORD?” (Psalm 13:1). What good could possibly come from suffering?
Here’s the good news: this suffering is not futile. There is a purpose to it, and this purpose—to glorify God—is found in the Word of God. The apostle Paul offers at least three ways in which you can glorify God through suffering:
- Sanctification. In Romans, Paul writes, “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (5:3–5). Suffering is a means by which God makes you more holy, conforming you to the image of his Son, Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). Paul (and James, 1:2–3) is saying to the single person, “Take joy in this hardship you face! It is refining your character and making you into the humble, persevering servant that can demonstrate the supreme character of Christ.”
- Integrity. A proper response to suffering validates our integrity as his messengers. The world offers ways to cope with or fix these sufferings. Whether it’s lowering your standards and marrying an ungodly person, turning to pornography or masturbation as a sexual release, or always needing to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, there are ways of (temporary and ultimately destructive) escape. If you persevere through suffering and seek the will of God, even if it means self-denial, your willingness to undergo pain for the sake of Christ will stand out to others (1 Corinthians 5:9). When they see your commitment to your Lord, this will draw their attention from you to him. Though you are weak and weary, they will see in you the treasure of the gospel, and they will know that the surpassing power that keeps you on your feet belongs to God and not to you (2 Corinthians 4:7), and that his power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul is saying to you, “Your suffering advances the gospel and proves the sufficiency of your Savior. So take joy in it! Don’t try to hide it but rather boast in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).”
- Consolation. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:3–4, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” Paul and Timothy view their suffering as a means by which the Corinthians can be comforted. As God their Father has comforted them when they suffer, now they can turn and comfort the Corinthians as well. Perhaps there is a unique element to this because of Paul’s role as an apostle. However, when you go through suffering, you too are able to comfort others because your experiences give you an understanding of suffering and of the comfort available in Christ. Paul is saying to you, “Your suffering is the means by which others will be comforted when they suffer. So take joy in it, because it is a tool for loving ministry that God has placed in your hand!”
If you are single and suffering, I encourage you to consider how your suffering can be a source of joy rather than gloominess, self-pity, and depression. I know it’s hard; I’ve been on more emotional roller-coasters than I’d care to admit! For the single Christian, it may be difficult to understand why God is allowing this suffering. But it is also a great opportunity to honor, glorify, and please God. Don’t try to bury the pain or hide it from others, but be willing to share it with a small group of trustworthy believers who can support you with prayer and encouragement. (Please note that I said small and trustworthy.)
If you are married, I encourage you to carefully consider this perspective of the single life as a form of suffering. Do you envy single people for their freedom? This freedom often comes at a price! Do you view them as miserable and pitiable? They are not, because they too have “treasure in jars of clay” (2 Corinthians 4:7). Do you view them solely as “projects” to be fixed—either by finding them a spouse on the one hand or by berating them for their desire for marriage on the other? Please don’t do that! They will withdraw from you and hide their suffering from you, and you will lose the opportunity to minister to them. True love leads with compassion, seeking to understand and encourage before offering advice.
Perspectives on the Single Life: An Introduction
Following up on my Ask the Pastors article on sex and the single person, I’d like to tackle the issue of singleness in general. One of the greatest challenges of being single has been knowing how I should view this season of my life. What sort of attitude should I hold toward being unmarried? There are a lot of conflicting ideas out there, and it’s extraordinarily difficult to separate truth from error.
I’d like to begin a series of posts setting out a few “lenses” through which we can view the single life. At this point, I’m going to limit the discussion to people like myself who have never been married, since that’s been my only experience and also the life situation which I’ve considered the most carefully. Perhaps some of the discussion will apply to those who are divorced or widowed as well.
Now, for starters, I really would rather use a word other than single. Whenever I come across that word, my mind immediately turns to Kraft Singles, that famous and undelicious source of pasteurized prepared cheese product. For example, I remember once perusing a booklet on the subject of single life entitled “Being God’s Man as a Satisfied Single.” The front cover featured a mountain biker tearing down a steep slope, his arms and legs thrust out in front of him in a surge of adrenaline.
Unfortunately, when I think of the phrase satisfied single, I imagine some poor slob draped across his living room couch at three in the morning, sating himself on dozens of individually wrapped Kraft Singles slices. Surrounded by discarded wrappers, with fragments of cheese-product squares dangling from his twitching lips, he thrusts his arms into the half-empty package for more in a surge of gluttony. It’s a marvelously distasteful image—and that’s what I associate with the word single. Regrettably, that’s the word everyone else seems to like, so I’m stuck with it.
Moving on from these unnecessary and disturbing thoughts, I would like to lay out my understanding of the single life as it has coalesced in my mind over the last few weeks. I’ll be writing three posts which dwell on these three perspectives or “lenses”:
- The single life as a season of suffering
- The single life as a season of opportunity
- The single life as a season for trust
This is a challenging (and rather personal) subject to discuss, so I’d appreciate your prayers as I write these posts—that I would express my thoughts clearly and candidly, and that they would be honoring to God and his truth, pointing to Jesus Christ as all-sufficient and supreme.
As always, I would love to read your own thoughts in the comments of each post. I’m still in the process of forming my worldview, and always will be, so I like to hear others’ perspectives. (I especially like to hear others’ perspectives when they can demonstrate a biblical basis for their views.)
Dave reviews The Shack in one sentence
The Shack is what happens when a Trinity invented by a 21st-century Westerner attempts to solve the problem of evil by pontificating on relationships, disdaining authority, and baking scones.
Check out a few more helpful reviews:
- Walter Henegar: “Good fiction has the potential to illuminate biblical truth, but not when it effectively supplants it. We need the Bible, not The Shack.”
- Gerald Hiestand: “The net result is a God who rejects—indeed is repulsed by—the use of power.”
- Paul Grimmond: “If western Christianity had spent more time in ‘the shack’ with the true and living creator, and less time wallowing around in our felt needs, then, just maybe, less people would have been fooled. We might have recognized The Shack for the empty shell that it is.”
My goal is to reflect on the book a couple more times on this blog—first, to expand on Hiestand’s observation, and second, to examine why The Shack has had such a powerful effect on people.
Gladness in the house of mourning
We had a great discussion last night in our small group as we studied Ecclesiastes 6:10-7:23. A major theme of this passage is the wisdom in meditating on death and mourning:
Ecclesiastes 7:2-4
2 It is better to go to the house of mourning
than to go to the house of feasting,
for this is the end of all mankind,
and the living will lay it to heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
Kinda morbid! These words don’t exactly resonate too well in our self-focused, pleasure-craving culture. In particular, most college students would much rather hide away in the campus bubble, going to parties and having fun, than attend a funeral or experience the pain and heartache that comes with life. It’s natural to avoid pain and seek pleasure; that’s why the prosperity gospel is so popular. One wonders what Joel Osteen would think of this passage — if he ever read it.
In our small group, we even discussed how pain and suffering is presented in popular culture — movies, music, etc. While it is a major theme, suffering is viewed as either a negative thing to be avoided or an unfortunate thing to be overcome. It’s almost never viewed in a positive light as a changing force that teaches and refines us. Yet Solomon here tells us that we should be glad for times of mourning and suffering: “For by sadness of face the heart is made glad” (v. 3).
How can this be? The answer is that death and sorrow brings us to our knees. We realize that “this is the end of all mankind” (v. 2). It’s a sobering truth that causes us to cry out to God Almighty, “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12)! With this perspective, we do not fear suffering. We do not worry that painful or hard times may come upon us, or that death is approaching. Rather, we know and trust that God is good through it all, and that he is doing what is best for us.
Entitlement, suffering, and unconditional election
In 2 Timothy, Paul repeatedly charges Timothy with the ministry of the Word, urging him to suffer for the sake of the gospel. As I’ve been reading this book for the past couple of weeks, that charge has stood in sharp relief to my own life and to the life of those around me. Why in America are we so consumed with our own comfort? Why does it seem that anything is more important to us than the gospel?
Paul points out that our willingness to suffer is drawn directly from our theology — specifically, the doctrine of unconditional election.
2 Timothy 1:8-12
8 Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, 9 who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, 10 and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, 11 for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, 12 which is why I suffer as I do.
This is a doctrine that I used to hate because it stood opposed to my self-made concepts of who God was and how he should behave. I was shocked by the idea that God would choose some and not others for salvation. In an attempt to sidestep the clear scriptural teaching on this matter, I resorted to a common response: before the creation of the world, God looked down the tunnel of time and foresaw who would respond to his grace with repentance and belief; then, he chose the ones who would respond favorably.
This was nothing more than speculation, and it already stood on shaky ground because it has no scriptural support. It’s an invention of a desperate human mind. Moreover, it is contradicted by v. 9 above, which says that God did not call us to salvation “because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace.” Our election was not due to some action on our part. It was due entirely to God’s purpose, for God has a purpose in choosing some for salvation and not others.
If we really believed this, we would not have such a strong sense of entitlement in our churches. Deep down, we believe that in some way, we deserved to be saved. There was just something about me — maybe it’s because I was smarter than other people; maybe I was just more righteous than them. How lucky God is to have such a fine, intelligent man in his kingdom!
Appropriately, Charles Spurgeon mocked such a man-centered view of election with his “Arminian Prayer”:
Lord, I thank thee I am not like those poor presumptuous Calvinists. Lord, I was born with a glorious free-will; I was born with power by which I can turn to thee of myself; I have improved my grace. If everybody had done the same with their grace that I have, they might all have been saved. Lord, I know thou dost not make us willing if we are not willing ourselves. Thou givest grace to everybody; some do not improve it, but I do. There are many that will go to hell as much bought with the blood of Christ as I was; they had as much of the Holy Ghost given to them; they had as good a chance, and were as much blessed as I am. It was not thy grace that made us to differ; I know it did a great deal, still I turned the point; I made use of what was given me, and others did not — that is the difference between me and them.
Rightly did Spurgeon call that “a prayer for the devil.” No one would be bold enough to say those things — instead, we imagine ourselves safe when we merely think them. Led by a high view of ourselves, we take our salvation for granted, abandoning it to pursue other trifles that are nothing but a vapor.
If there is something about me that brought about my salvation, then I am in some sense entitled to it. And if I am entitled to “life and immortality” (v. 10), then there is no reason to suffer for it. I’ll leave the suffering up to the other poor fools who aren’t as good as I am.
May God have mercy on us. We have neglected this doctrine for the sake of our own comfort. I pray that this teaching may soak into me, that this word may penetrate me to the core of my being, that I would always remember that I am saved apart from my own merit, ability, or wisdom. I pray that I may reject this entitlement mentality. I pray that I may gladly sacrifice and suffer for the God who has chosen me and loves me. O Lord, may you alone receive the praise for your great work of salvation!
In the light of this precious doctrine, let’s rejoice in the gospel of the power of God!
