Category Archives: Movies
Dave reviews…Inception
It's NOT The Matrix! (maybe)
Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
“Aha!” you laugh. “I see what you did there!” you say. “Dave, you are quoting a line from The Matrix,” you scold.
To which I reply, “That’s impossible! This is a review of Inception, not The Matrix! Silly you!”
Yes, for the first time in eleven years, we have a good movie about traveling around inside of sleeping people’s heads. (Don’t worry, I won’t be spoiling anything in this review that the movie doesn’t tell you almost at once.) Leonardo DiCaprio used to earn his living by starring in Titanic, making women’s eyes weep and men’s eyes roll. Now, however, he earns his living by breaking into people’s dreams and stealing or planting secret information there. And it turns out that dreams are pretty crazy places to break into. Alas, I rarely remember my dreams, so I’ll just have to take director Christopher Nolan’s word for it.
Now, I could go on and on about how this is a very fast-paced, tense, spectacular, controversial, and confusing movie. I could say it’s one of the most impressive movies released so far this year. But the best part of this movie is that it has now spawned a new catchphrase, invented by me:
That’s right: “You got Incept’d!” It’s just like “you got punk’d!” but more ironic, and therefore more appealing to hipsters. Now, I know you can’t wait to bust out this catchphrase on your friends, so let me offer you five possible situations in which you can use it:
- Your friend tells you that you were in her dream last night.
- Your friend experienced a dream within a dream last night.
- Your friend tells you about his great new idea that sounds like something you would’ve come up with.
- Your friend just finished watching Inception.
- Your friend has a major crush on Leonardo DiCaprio.
And that’s when you announce to your friend in triumph, “You got Incept’d!” There’s a certain thrill to it.
So let’s find out how that thrill affects my foolproof rating system:
- I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
- I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).
The answer is: not at all, because you don’t even have to see Inception to enjoy using the catchphrase! The good (or bad) news is that Inception is the kind of movie you’ll want to see at least twice, since you’ll want to watch most of it again to figure out what the heck is going on. Thus, I give it $$$¢ (three dollars and change). I might pay money to see it again, depending on my mood and who’s going with me. And especially depending on whether or not my fellow viewers are willing to tolerate my sensational new refrain, “You got Incept’d!”
Dave reviews…Avatar
Trippy!
Have you seen James Cameron’s newest special effects extravaganza yet? Odds are that you have without even knowing it. His movie Avatar is the third installment in what I like to call the Dances with Wolves trilogy:
- Dances with Wolves I (a.k.a. Dances with Wolves)
- Dances with Wolves II: Dances with Wolves in Japan (a.k.a. The Last Samurai)
- Dances with Wolves III: Dances with Wolves in Space (a.k.a. Avatar)
I just told you everything you need to know about the movie’s plot. In fact, I don’t think spoilers are even possible for a movie like this. If you’ve seen Dances with Wolves I or II, you already know what happens. American soldier becomes involved with the technologically inferior enemy culture he is fighting. He learns the superiority of their ways. He falls in love with a local lass. He earns the trust of the natives and switches sides to fight against his own countrymen. The audience cheers him on as he assaults the very foundation of their civilization. It was good stuff the first time around. And the second. But now that Dances with Wolves III is out, all the characters are shallow cliches, the dialogue is bland and expected, and the plot holes are widening into gaping chasms.
But you aren’t interested in this movie for the plot, are you? I sure wasn’t! I had come to see the much-hyped special effects. In this department, the movie doesn’t disappoint. It’s pretty spectacular, which it had better be, since the budget of Avatar was greater than the GDP of several small island nations such as Palau (true story). If you want the full eyeballs-on-fire effect, you’ll want to see it in 3D, like I did. That’s the theory, anyway. The reality, as I learned when watching Up, is that you don’t even notice the 3D effects after the first five minutes or so. So there’s really no point. Save a couple of bucks and go for the 2D edition. If you’re feeling generous, you can give me those two bucks. I promise to spend them wisely (on ice cream).
Even interstellar militant hippies use Crest Whitestrips®.
Avatar definitely blurs the line between reality and CGI until you can’t tell the difference between the two. It also tries to blur the line between reality and propaganda, though less successfully. When the evil human colonel announces that he plans to “fight terror with terror” and drive out the natives with a “shock and awe” campaign, it’s fairly obvious what message Cameron is trying to send. The American imperialists are a bunch of environment-wrecking, native-massacring brutes who are no better than the terrorists whom they fight. Apparently Cameron had been working on this movie for ten years. If this was the most intelligent, nuanced message that he could put together in all that time, you’ll have to forgive me for dropping him a few notches in my “top creative minds” list. This is after he already dropped a few notches for a crappy plot.
So far I’ve been pretty harsh on Avatar, I guess. I think it’s mostly because I’ve gradually grown accustomed to movies with huge special effects. I suppose I’ve mellowed out to the point where I don’t care about that junk anymore. Just give me a movie with a worthwhile plot and characters. Like, say, Dances with Wolves I and II. Except that the first Dances with Wolves was really long, so I don’t think I want to sit through that. (Did I mention that Avatar is three hours long?)
Papyrus: cool like wearing Puma shoes.
All right, we’ve gotten past the important stuff, so now let’s waste time on a minor quibble. Whenever the natives (the Na’vi) talk in their own language, the movie helpfully offers subtitles…in Papyrus font. This is kinda dorky, but I hate Papyrus font. It’s almost as bad as Comic Sans. It’s always used whenever a document is meant to look “ancient,” but it only makes it look hokey and low-budget because everybody uses that font for everything. It should not be used anymore, forever. So that’s my helpful tip of the day. If you hadn’t already given me two bucks earlier in this review, now would be a good time to do so.
Enough ranting! It’s time to rate the movie. Here’s my tried-and-true-and-shamelessly-subjective system:
- I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
- I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).
And Avatar gets $$¢ (two dollars and change). If you’re still interested in seeing the movie, don’t wait until it comes out on DVD (or Blu-ray, if you’re rich). You’ll want to watch this on as big a screen as possible.
Dave reviews…Up
How that house is gonna squeeze through the hole in the "P" is beyond me.
Here’s my frustration with Pixar: they’ve ruined so many movies for me. Not their own movies—other studios’ movies. They keep pumping out one great animated movie after another, so by now I’ve foolishly begun to associated computer animation with high-quality movies. Naturally, then, when I watch a movie like Monsters vs. Aliens, it ends up being pretty disappointing, because there’s no depth or maturity or plot behind the formulaic humor and self-empowerment follow-your-dreams schmaltz.
Not so in Pixar movies. With WALL•E, and now with Up, they’re blazing new trails. In the past, Pixar movies were what you’d describe as kids’ movies that appeal to adults. However, their last two movies (and possibly The Incredibles as well) are instead adults’ movies that appeal to kids. They’re colored with a vivid, joyful melancholy that gives their stories of love, devotion, and sacrifice a sense of realism that very few movies—animated or otherwise—ever achieve. Up is a computer-generated movie about an old man flying to an imaginary land in a totally impractical vessel—a house suspended under thousands of helium-filled balloons. Yet it feels much more real than nearly any adventure movie you’ve ever seen. And the wordless ten-minute montage of Carl Fredricksen’s life at the beginning of the movie is a far more touching, beautiful, and real love story than any romance movie you’ll see this year. All of the characters are real. Carl is not merely a grumpy old geezer but a cynical yet sentimental man driven by love lost. Russell isn’t a heartwarming wonder child with wisdom beyond that of the movie’s adults; he’s just a hapless yet passionate kid. Dug the dog has a collar that lets him talk, and he says exactly what a real dog would say if given the opportunity. (This is why Dug is the funniest character in the movie.) The villain is not a lunatic; it’s easy to understand what drives him. And regarding one of the movie’s many themes, only Pixar is bold enough to suggest that sacrificing your dreams for the sake of love may be more precious than following them.
What all this means is that I am now a slave to Pixar for life. From now on, I will have to go see every movie of theirs in theaters as soon as it is released. I wish that, just once, they would poop out a real stinker so that I could have an excuse to wait until a friend rents it. But noooo, they’ve gotta keep making great movies every time.
I want to buy my next car with a bag of money just like this one.
So here’s my recommendation for Disney: hand Pixar two bags full of money with dollar signs on the side, and tell them to make whatever movies they want to make. Then sit back and light a couple cigars with hundred-dollar bills, because it is Pixar that’s carrying the torch of the old animated Disney movies that have become a cherished part of our culture.
Oh, and one last thing: even if you, the reader, have the option of watching Up in 3D, it’s really not necessary. This was the third movie I’ve watched in 3D, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the third dimension is always either a) distracting or b) superfluous. Thankfully, Up falls into the second category; you pretty soon forget that you’re watching it in 3D except for the fact that you’ve got a pair of heavy, dorky-looking plastic glasses perched upon your schnoz. So save yourself a couple of bucks and opt for the dimension-challenged version of Up.
Okay, all the blather is over, and it’s time to rate the movie! Here’s the system:
- I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
- I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).
And Up gets $$$¢ (three dollars and change). That’s an excellent rating…nearly as good as the rating I gave WALL•E. And once I inevitably buy the movie on DVD and watch it a time or two, I might like it even more.
Dave reviews…Fireproof
If you’re looking for great acting, snappy dialogue, high production values, and Shia LeBeouf…this isn’t your movie. Obviously, it isn’t going to win an Oscar.
But I really liked it.
Hey! it's steak!
It’s kind of weird watching a movie and realizing that its greatest strength isn’t the way it tells a story but rather the story it is telling. It takes a few minutes to realize that it’s a different sort of movie you’re watching. It’s kind of like the difference between eating cotton candy and chewing on a steak. Cotton candy is sugary and delicious, but it’s not the sort of thing you’d eat for dinner unless you are Will Ferrell in Elf. Steak, on the other hand, fills your hungry belly with its juicy goodness. And even if it’s not the best cut of meat…hey! it’s steak!
In this movie starring Kirk Cameron as a firefighter whose marriage is falling apart, the steak was seasoned well enough that it didn’t distract from the message. And as I watched, I appreciated how radical that message was. I mean, check out some of the things it taught about marriage:
- Love is not a feeling; it’s a choice.
- The kind of love required by a failing marriage requires you to first know the love of Christ.
- A husband should become a student of his wife, learning everything he can about her.
- You should show love to your spouse even if you are rejected over and over again.
Better for you than Asbestos!
Now when was the last time you saw anything like that in a movie? I’m convinced that any other relationship flick would seem shallow—all style and no substance—if you watched it immediately after this one. Even if it were to offer helpful advice on marriage, it could never match the wisdom from God’s Word that this movie draws on. I’ll admit I was worried that Fireproof would dumb down the gospel and the Christian worldview into a mushy mess. Instead, it showed the power and wisdom that only comes from a biblical perspective on life and marriage. Kirk’s (or rather, his character’s) conversion to Christianity was the foundation for saving his marriage, not a happy feel-good scene tacked onto the end. And the road to recovery wasn’t Candyland but rather a journey of rejection, failure, pain, and sacrifice. Kinda like real life.
Also kinda like real life, this movie thwarted the usual Hollywood convention by including both major and minor characters who didn’t look like the glamorous menagerie of celebrities that grace the covers of gossip magazines. It was weird watching a movie and realizing, Hey, this could actually happen to real people. Unlike, say, Eagle Eye.
So now, the obligatory rating. The system:
- I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
- I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).
Fireproof lands my second-ever rating of $$$$ (four dollars). Solid! I hereby forgive Kirk Cameron for starring in the Left Behind movies.
Dave reviews…Eagle Eye
We’re such homers.
"I have always been a wand'rer / Over land and sea"
So I was watching Eagle Eye in a theater here in Lafayette along with some friends, and about halfway through the movie, our hero and heroine were ordered to drive to Indianapolis. The reaction in the theater was immediate—all sorts of nudges and murmurs of approval from the audience. Indianapolis! That’s here in Indiana! We haven’t had a movie take place in Indiana since Hoosiers! And Eagle Eye didn’t disappoint, spending a great deal of time in Indy, even in locations that I recognized. It was kind of neat to see Hollywood acknowledge that there are other cities in the US of A besides New York, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. Now if only the news media would get the memo, life would be grand.
Good thing this isn't Nebraska, or he'd be out of cell phone range.
In addition to the bonus points this movie scored for its nod to flyover country, it was also a pretty fun film, as long as you recognize that its premise is totally ridiculous. The plot revolves around Shia LaBeouf (whose name I still can’t prounounce) and Michelle Monaghan, two ordinary people getting ordered around by a mysterious woman who can track their every move through cell phones, surveillance cameras, and other sinister electronic devices. Of course, we all know that even the CIA is made up of a bunch of cubicles with hopeless old pawn-shop computers, so no one could actually do this. And when the perpetrator is eventually unveiled, it is laughably implausible. But if you’re looking for a realistic flick, why are you going to a movie theater? Hollywood movies have never been realistic. I mean, what are the odds that all the people in a real-life romance will be as good-looking as in that chick flick you saw last week? Most people, including yours truly, are ugly. So I figure that if we can suspend our disbelief in that area, as we have done for decades, we can simply turn off our brains and enjoy Eagle Eye. (Note that this doesn’t apply to a movie that flagrantly violates the laws of physics and expects us not to notice.)
Also, Steven Spielberg is such a softie and can’t seem to let movies of this sort end on a tragic note, even when it makes total sense for them to end that way. If you’ve watched this movie, you know exactly what I mean.
One final complaint I have is that the director seemed to love close-up shots, which are great during dramatic dialogue scenes but not so great in the middle of a giant action sequence when I’m less interested in seeing Shia’s facial stubble and more interested in seeing what the heck is going on. But hey, I only paid the matinee price for a ticket, so I won’t complain too much.
Rating time! The system:
- I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
- I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).
Eagle Eye lands $$$ (three dollars). Make it two dollars and change if you’re not from Indiana.
