Monthly Archives: October 2009
The Single Life: A Season for Trust
This perspective on the single life is the hardest for me. I’ve realized lately that trusting the Lord is something I tend to resist. I like to have all my theology worked out, all my plans in place, every contingency sorted out in my mind. I don’t like to have to do anything that requires an absolute trust in the faithfulness of the Lord. Yet this is the sort of faith that is required of all of us. It’s the faith of Abraham.
Abraham’s faith is scary: “Now the LORD said to Abram, ‘Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you.…So Abram went, as the LORD had told him’” (Genesis 12:1, 4). The author of Hebrews explains:
By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. (Hebrews 11:8–10)
We learn three things here. First, this was an act of faith on Abraham’s part. He obeyed “by faith.” We who follow Christ are justified by faith, and that same faith is what drives us to obey the Lord even when the way isn’t clear. When we do hard things for God because we trust him to take care of us, we work out our salvation (Philippians 2:12). Our faith is completed by our works because works are the natural response of faith (James 2:22); you can’t tease them apart since they are bound so close together.
Second, this act of faith was a huge risk. Abraham was leaving everything that was familiar to him—his family, his city, his culture. He had no idea where he was going. He had no idea what he would find when he got there. The road was long and dangerous, along wilderness roads rife with bandits, away from the safety of the city of Haran.
Third, he left this city because he was looking forward to “the city that has foundations,” what is later called “the city that is to come” (13:14). Its designer and its builder is God. In this city there would be safety and rest for the weary traveler. When we look toward this city—the heavenly Jerusalem, where God dwells with his people (Revelation 21:2–3), we gain the courage we need to face any challenges that come our way. We know that God will preserve us for it and that he will welcome us home with open arms to spend eternity with him. We are safe in the hands of the sovereign Lord who has always loved us and always will.
That’s why trusting the Lord is so important, whether you’re single or married, young or old, man or woman. Without it, we can’t do anything to please God, “for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him” (Hebrews 11:6). If we seek him, trusting that he will reward our search for him by revealing his loving presence to us, there is no trial, no suffering so great that we cannot handle it; there is no opportunity that we cannot seize to glorify him.
For someone who is single, faith can express itself in many ways. I think we’ve lost sight of this. Whenever I see the phrase “trust in the Lord” applied to a single person, it’s almost always in the context of waiting for marriage. The prototypical narrative, found in Christian books and articles and personal testimonies, goes something like this: someone really wants to get married badly, but finally learns to trust in the Lord, experiences a wonderful feeling of peace about it, no longer seeks a spouse, and then God dumps a man or woman in that person’s lap uninvited, and they get married and live happily ever after. Sometimes this does happen. But I wonder whether many people reduce it to a formula: God won’t give you what you want until you don’t want it. Really? Is God some sort of killjoy? Is he playing games with us? “Nope, you can’t have that! Oh wait, you don’t want it now? Too bad, I’m giving it to you anyway!” This is not always how God works. Trusting in the Lord always means that we rest in his sovereign will, but it doesn’t always mean that we sit back and do nothing.
If you are single, there are actually many different ways you can trust the Lord. Maybe more than one of these applies to your situation:
- You can be content to remain single, trusting that you don’t have to be married for the Lord to use you in remarkable ways (in fact, trusting that you can serve him in ways a married person never could!).
- You can give up worrying about whether or not you will find a spouse, knowing that the Lord will give you what is best for you (Romans 8:28), that his grace is sufficient to bring you through this season of pain (2 Corinthians 12:9), and that he will never abandon you (Hebrews 13:5).
- You can stop pursuing, in your actions and in your mind, men or women who aren’t believers or who aren’t eagerly following the Lord. You trust that if you pursue a relationship with Jesus Christ, it will bring you far more joy than a relationship with anyone else ever could.
- You can stop setting impossible standards for a spouse, trusting that the Holy Spirit will always be working to sanctify both you and your husband or wife.
- You can have the courage you need to ask out that young woman you’re interested in, because you trust that the Lord will not abandon you even if you are rejected. You will not fear; what can man do to you? (Hebrews 13:5–6)
- You can have the courage to ask that young woman to marry you, trusting the Lord that he will always be there even as your whole life is rearranged and everything you understand and know is thrown out the window.
- You can have the courage to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, trusting the Lord to protect you and to bring you through any ensuing trials.
- You can trust the Lord after being dumped, knowing that he is present in the deepest darkness and will bring you through it (Psalm 23:4). His own Son was forsaken so that you would never be abandoned.
What is wonderful is that there are so many ways to trust the Lord! You might even face a decision where there is no “right” or “wrong” answer—just a choice of how you will express your faith in God. Here’s the bottom line, delivered with a heavy dose of hyperbole: whether you marry, and who you marry, are not important questions. What’s truly important is that you act out of faith in a gracious God, showing the world how great his faithfulness really is. His steadfast love for you will never cease. Every morning, you will see his mercy to you in new and precious ways. He has given himself to you. Hope in him. (Lamentations 3:22–23)
The Single Life: A Season of Opportunity
If you read the last post, you’re probably worried that this one will be another essay of outrageous length. Well, don’t worry! This one is more straightforward. I won’t devote quite as much space to this particular “lens” through which the single life comes into focus. That’s not because this perspective is less important; it’s because this one is easier to explain.
First of all, if you are single, you have a unique opportunity to serve the Lord. This is the reason that Paul praises the single life in 1 Corinthians 7. He explains:
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. (vv. 32–34)
Like I said—pretty straightforward! While there’s no denying that married people can serve the Lord by behaving appropriately toward their spouses (Eph 5:22–33), single people have much more free time and energy to serve the Lord in other ways. For example, an unmarried man or woman may have more time to help out with child care at the church, or volunteer at a local animal shelter, or visit church members in the hospital, or pray for the salvation of friends who are not believers. 
He or she doesn’t have the pressing concern of pleasing a spouse or taking care of a child. If you are single, you are flexible and free to serve the Lord in many ways that a married person is not! What a great privilege this is!
Here’s the problem, though. It’s really easy to become self-indulgent as a single person. It’s really easy to spend your money on yourself, to buy things that offer a fleeting sense of pleasure, to waste hours on mere entertainment, to spend time only with people whose company you enjoy, or to pour all of your energy into hobbies that don’t contribute to the well-being of others and demonstrate the supremacy of Jesus Christ. Paul warns, “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31). Everything we do should be done because we want God to be seen as great by ourselves and by others. For example, this means that we only take time to relax because we want to regain the energy needed to serve the Lord and serve other people! In his letter to the Galatian church, Paul warns believers who are freed from slavery to the law of Moses, “Do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (5:13). We are not bound to the law; we are not required to keep it in order to be declared righteous by God. But we were not set free just so that we can indulge ourselves however we please. We were set free to “walk by the Spirit” (v. 16). Don’t waste this opportunity as a single person to serve the Lord!
Now, what about those who would rather not remain single? Paul recognizes that not everyone has been given the spiritual gifting necessary to go without marriage (1 Corinthians 7:7–8). To those whom God has not given this gift, he says, “If they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion” (v. 9). This truly is a counter-cultural solution to sexual temptation! In my Ask the Pastors article on sex and the single person, I argued that sexual desire should encourage a single person to seek marriage, which should in turn encourage him or her to become the kind of person who can get married. This, I believe, is the second opportunity presented by the single life—the opportunity to grow up. If you are single but want to be married, take full advantage of this time to “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:18). Grow up to salvation through the pure spiritual milk of the gospel (1 Peter 2:2). Grow up as part of a church community (Ephesians 4:15–16). Grow up to become the kind of man or woman who is a faithful servant and friend of God. In particular, train yourself for marriage: learn how to forgive, how to communicate, how to manage your money responsibly, how to use your time well, how to raise children. It’s pretty ridiculous that we spend twelve years of schooling plus college to train ourselves for our careers, but we think six hours of premarital counseling will be enough to train us for our marriages. Attach yourself to a godly family in your church; watch and learn from them. Volunteer in the church nursery, teach a Sunday School class, or offer to babysit for families in the church. Prepare for marriage with more earnestness than you would prepare for your career. After all, who would be bold enough to insist that your career is more important than your family?
The single life is a time of great opportunity. It is not a time to spend hours in front of the TV or computer, to spend money selfishly, to pour oneself into activities of no lasting value. It is a time to glorify the Lord by serving him and by growing up to be a mature man or woman.
The Single Life: A Season of Suffering
Suffering is a strong word, isn’t it? Where do I get off describing the single life as “a season of suffering”? Isn’t suffering something for an underground church pastor in a foreign country who gets his arms and legs broken for preaching the gospel? Or perhaps for a woman whose husband leaves her because he can’t handle the stress of her terminal cancer?
Well, yes it is, obviously. Nevertheless, I think we can all agree that there are degrees of suffering. The suffering some people have to face goes beyond what language can describe, even language at its most poetic. However, I want to broaden our understanding of what suffering is—not to water it down, but to convince you of the love of God. He has provided his Word to help you in every difficulty you may face, no matter how minor. And suffering is simply hardship that challenges our faith. In his book Desiring God, John Piper offers these words:
All experiences of suffering in the path of Christian obedience, whether from persecution or sickness or accident, have this in common: They all threaten our faith in the goodness of God and tempt us to leave the path of obedience. Therefore, every triumph of faith and all perseverance in obedience are testimonies to the goodness of God and the preciousness of Christ—whether the enemy is sickness, Satan, sin, or sabotage.
Therefore, all suffering, of every kind, that we endure in the path of our Christian calling is a suffering “with Christ” and “for Christ.” With Him in the sense that the suffering comes to us as we are walking with Him by faith and in the sense that it is endured in the strength He supplies through His sympathizing high-priestly ministry (Hebrews 4:15). For Him in the sense that the suffering tests and proves our allegiance to His goodness and power and in the sense that it reveals His worth as an all-sufficient compensation and prize. (p. 257)
We cannot dodge suffering forever. We can try to medicate or entertain it away, but even in the Disneyland of Western culture, it finds us. Following the above quotation, Piper adds that suffering is “intended by Satan for the destruction of our faith and governed by God for the purifying of our faith.” Wherever on earth we go, Satan will try to destroy us, but God will be there to restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish us (1 Peter 5:8–11).
Now, here’s what I find so wonderful about this understanding of suffering. God’s Word helps us here! In the Psalms, which deal extensively with suffering, we learn how to come to God with whatever pain we are experiencing, whether physical or emotional. We see in Jesus and in his followers—especially the apostle Paul—the joy that suffering can bring. We begin to realize that there is no sorrowful or melancholy thought that the Holy Spirit cannot console through the Word, and that we truly can rejoice in any circumstance.
When it comes to being single, there is suffering. There must be. A thread of suffering runs through every stage of life. If you are single, you will suffer. If you are married, you will suffer. If you are a child, you will suffer. If you are an adult, you will suffer. If you are a man, you will suffer. If you are a woman, you will suffer. In each situation, there is a different quality to the suffering. In this post, I want to focus particularly on the suffering that a single person faces, because in doing so, you and I can then turn to God’s Word and learn how to respond to this thread of suffering in our lives or in the lives of others.
Perhaps you are single, and as you consider your life, you do not sense any sort of suffering in the way that I am about to describe. Wonderful! Perhaps this is an indication that you are spiritually gifted to remain single, faithfully serving the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:7–8). However, not all people suffer to the same degree; some have a strong desire for marriage, and this desire is not wrong (at least, not unless it becomes one’s identity, a consuming need for marriage which is nothing short of idolatry). Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that there is something wrong with you if you want to be married. After all, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Yet many with this desire only experience a “hope deferred”; they know what that sickness of heart feels like (Proverbs 13:12). It may not be a consuming pain, but the suffering is still there. I can think of at least six ways in which the single life may bring suffering, ranging from the almost absurdly minor to the more difficult and painful:
- Awkwardness. You are often questioned about your relationship status. Well-meaning people try to set you up with someone you’re not interested in. You have to take great care how friendly you are toward single people of the opposite sex so as not to arouse unwanted interest.
- Loneliness. There is no one to go home to, no one to climb into bed with, no one to hold, no one to rejoice in as you share a life as “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
- Rejection. A person whom you have been dating for over a year ends the relationship. A young woman turns you down when you ask her out. You go for years without any interest from the young men you know. You really like someone and long for him or her to return your affection, but he or she shows no interest in you.
- Alienation. In many churches, you are treated as not-quite-an-adult. When your good friends marry, they withdraw from you because they’re convinced you can’t understand their new life together. The pastor’s sermons always seem to be addressed toward marriage and family life and never to your struggles. (Thankfully, none of these are the case at my church!)
- Despair. Weeks turn to months turn to years. And still, there is no one. Nor does there seem to be any chance that things will change. Once again, “hope deferred makes the heart sick.”
- Unfulfilled sexual desire. Martin Luther once observed, “To bear and to overcome [sexual desires] until the age of forty is truly a grievous and great burden.” For you, these words ring true—sexual temptation is absolutely relentless. Pornography is unbelievably easy to access; immodest dress is the norm among friends, classmates, and coworkers; and your mind eagerly rushes toward sexual fantasy.
Whether rejection or despair or unfulfilled sexual desire, perhaps you find yourself asking, “How long, O LORD?” (Psalm 13:1). What good could possibly come from suffering?
Here’s the good news: this suffering is not futile. There is a purpose to it, and this purpose—to glorify God—is found in the Word of God. The apostle Paul offers at least three ways in which you can glorify God through suffering:
- Sanctification. In Romans, Paul writes, “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (5:3–5). Suffering is a means by which God makes you more holy, conforming you to the image of his Son, Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). Paul (and James, 1:2–3) is saying to the single person, “Take joy in this hardship you face! It is refining your character and making you into the humble, persevering servant that can demonstrate the supreme character of Christ.”
- Integrity. A proper response to suffering validates our integrity as his messengers. The world offers ways to cope with or fix these sufferings. Whether it’s lowering your standards and marrying an ungodly person, turning to pornography or masturbation as a sexual release, or always needing to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, there are ways of (temporary and ultimately destructive) escape. If you persevere through suffering and seek the will of God, even if it means self-denial, your willingness to undergo pain for the sake of Christ will stand out to others (1 Corinthians 5:9). When they see your commitment to your Lord, this will draw their attention from you to him. Though you are weak and weary, they will see in you the treasure of the gospel, and they will know that the surpassing power that keeps you on your feet belongs to God and not to you (2 Corinthians 4:7), and that his power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul is saying to you, “Your suffering advances the gospel and proves the sufficiency of your Savior. So take joy in it! Don’t try to hide it but rather boast in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).”
- Consolation. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:3–4, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” Paul and Timothy view their suffering as a means by which the Corinthians can be comforted. As God their Father has comforted them when they suffer, now they can turn and comfort the Corinthians as well. Perhaps there is a unique element to this because of Paul’s role as an apostle. However, when you go through suffering, you too are able to comfort others because your experiences give you an understanding of suffering and of the comfort available in Christ. Paul is saying to you, “Your suffering is the means by which others will be comforted when they suffer. So take joy in it, because it is a tool for loving ministry that God has placed in your hand!”
If you are single and suffering, I encourage you to consider how your suffering can be a source of joy rather than gloominess, self-pity, and depression. I know it’s hard; I’ve been on more emotional roller-coasters than I’d care to admit! For the single Christian, it may be difficult to understand why God is allowing this suffering. But it is also a great opportunity to honor, glorify, and please God. Don’t try to bury the pain or hide it from others, but be willing to share it with a small group of trustworthy believers who can support you with prayer and encouragement. (Please note that I said small and trustworthy.)
If you are married, I encourage you to carefully consider this perspective of the single life as a form of suffering. Do you envy single people for their freedom? This freedom often comes at a price! Do you view them as miserable and pitiable? They are not, because they too have “treasure in jars of clay” (2 Corinthians 4:7). Do you view them solely as “projects” to be fixed—either by finding them a spouse on the one hand or by berating them for their desire for marriage on the other? Please don’t do that! They will withdraw from you and hide their suffering from you, and you will lose the opportunity to minister to them. True love leads with compassion, seeking to understand and encourage before offering advice.
Perspectives on the Single Life: An Introduction
Following up on my Ask the Pastors article on sex and the single person, I’d like to tackle the issue of singleness in general. One of the greatest challenges of being single has been knowing how I should view this season of my life. What sort of attitude should I hold toward being unmarried? There are a lot of conflicting ideas out there, and it’s extraordinarily difficult to separate truth from error.
I’d like to begin a series of posts setting out a few “lenses” through which we can view the single life. At this point, I’m going to limit the discussion to people like myself who have never been married, since that’s been my only experience and also the life situation which I’ve considered the most carefully. Perhaps some of the discussion will apply to those who are divorced or widowed as well.
Now, for starters, I really would rather use a word other than single. Whenever I come across that word, my mind immediately turns to Kraft Singles, that famous and undelicious source of pasteurized prepared cheese product. For example, I remember once perusing a booklet on the subject of single life entitled “Being God’s Man as a Satisfied Single.” The front cover featured a mountain biker tearing down a steep slope, his arms and legs thrust out in front of him in a surge of adrenaline.
Unfortunately, when I think of the phrase satisfied single, I imagine some poor slob draped across his living room couch at three in the morning, sating himself on dozens of individually wrapped Kraft Singles slices. Surrounded by discarded wrappers, with fragments of cheese-product squares dangling from his twitching lips, he thrusts his arms into the half-empty package for more in a surge of gluttony. It’s a marvelously distasteful image—and that’s what I associate with the word single. Regrettably, that’s the word everyone else seems to like, so I’m stuck with it.
Moving on from these unnecessary and disturbing thoughts, I would like to lay out my understanding of the single life as it has coalesced in my mind over the last few weeks. I’ll be writing three posts which dwell on these three perspectives or “lenses”:
- The single life as a season of suffering
- The single life as a season of opportunity
- The single life as a season for trust
This is a challenging (and rather personal) subject to discuss, so I’d appreciate your prayers as I write these posts—that I would express my thoughts clearly and candidly, and that they would be honoring to God and his truth, pointing to Jesus Christ as all-sufficient and supreme.
As always, I would love to read your own thoughts in the comments of each post. I’m still in the process of forming my worldview, and always will be, so I like to hear others’ perspectives. (I especially like to hear others’ perspectives when they can demonstrate a biblical basis for their views.)
