The case for early marriage?
At Adam‘s recommendation, I read an article in Christianity Today entitled “The Case for Early Marriage.” I’ll admit I was blown away because I had never seen anyone offer this justification for getting married early (by “early” the author means “early 20s”):
Our Creator clearly intended for male and female to be knit together in covenantal relationship. An increasing number of men and women, however, aren’t marrying. They want to. But it’s not happening. And yet in surveying this scene, many Christians continue to perceive a sexual crisis, not a marital one. We buy, read, and pass along books about battling our sexual urges, when in fact we are battling them far longer than we were meant to.…While our sexual ideals have remained biblical and thus rooted in marriage, our ideas about marriage have changed significantly.
I’d like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this article (after reading it all the way through, please). Do you agree with the main premise? Why or why not—and how does it line up with scripture? Could the article have used more nuance?
Here are my initial thoughts:
- The main idea behind this article is spectacularly true. God clearly designed us to get married a lot younger than young people in our culture decide to do so. Sex drive is like a giant billboard from God screaming to young women and especially young men, “Grow up, stupid!” Rather than trying to block out our sex drives, perhaps we should pay closer attention to what they’re saying. God wants us to stop being adolescents and start growing up!
- Our culture is super bizarre. Historically, people got married young—even in their teens—because they had to grow up. There was no such thing as extended adolescence (or adolescence at all, for that matter). It’s extremely foolish to think that our cultural practices are somehow “normal,” and we should think carefully before conforming to them (Romans 12:2).
- We absolutely must pair abstinence teaching in youth groups with teaching on marriage. Biblical instruction on marriage must begin early (following the example of the book of Proverbs). How can we continue teaching young people to “put off” sexual sin without “putting on” proper marital relationships (à la Ephesians 4)? And how ridiculous is it that we think a few sessions of premarital counseling is anywhere near enough to prepare young people for marriage—especially in a culture bombarding them with false teaching on marriage and sexuality? We need to foster godly character and a biblical worldview in our young people so that they can get married early.
- We need to be concerned about the fact that young people are trained to worry about career long before worrying about family. And we wonder why so many marriages are sacrificed to people’s careers.
- This is a great quote: “Most young Americans no longer think of marriage as a formative institution, but rather as the institution they enter once they think they are fully formed.” And as any believer knows, that won’t happen in this life.
- I appreciate that the author takes time to handle objections to his view. From what I’ve seen, most people who discourage younger marriages do so on the basis of their own experience, projecting their former selves onto the people to whom they gladly dispense their advice. However, there are difficulties that arise from younger marriages that do need to be recognized.
- Younger marriages are in great danger if they are pursued in isolation from community. Without encouragement and instruction from the church, two relatively immature people who get married are in big trouble! With this encouragement and instruction, their marriage can be a terrific way to be conformed to the image of Christ. I’m grateful for the marriage mentoring ministry that has begun at Kossuth, and I’m looking forward to seeing it reinforce marriages throughout our church.
- I wish the author had been more precise when discussing the idea of marrying an immature person. There is a big difference between someone who is spiritually immature but growing and someone who is spiritually immature and unwilling to grow. The former can be a good candidate for marriage; the latter shouldn’t be let anywhere near the altar.
I’m sure I will think of more things to say later. What do you think?
Posted on August 5, 2009, in The issues and tagged abstinence, marriage, sex, youth. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.
A few things to think about…I got married young (21) and am happy I did. I agree that our society is wrong in that it discourages early marriage and encourages living together which together has raised the average age of marriage. I agree that God definitely uses our sexual drives to push us to “grow up” and marry, but there are a few problems I see.
You mentioned that “God clearly designed us to get married a lot younger” than we do. I don’t know if you can make that statement if the Bible doesn’t make it clearly. Paul even says in I Corinthians 7:8 “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.” To be fair, he does say that they should marry if they can’t control themselves, but I think this passage is pretty clear that singleness and marriage is godly. If God said that one can be a Christian and be single, I don’t think we can emphatically say that God designed us to get married younger.
Another problem I have is with your “put on” of marriage. If someone struggles with sexual sin before they’re married, they will struggle with it after they’re married. It might have a different face but marriage will not solve it. Sexual sin’s root is in the person’s heart, not in their unsatisfied body. “Satisfaction” will not change the heart. A more appropriate “put on” would be to stop thinking what is “unholy” and to think on what is holy and good. Romans 6:13 says to not offer parts of our body to sin but to offer our body to God. It does not say to get married then we won’t sin! The put on is about God not about marriage.
Come ON, Becca. Why do you always have to be so logical?
My thoughts are that, first of all, Paul was very concerned that believers not delay marriage because of sexual desire (1 Cor 7:2, 9). And typically, marriage in biblical times occurred at a young age (e.g. Prov 5:18). There’s nothing wrong with choosing to serve God in the unique capacity of remaining single. And circumstances in our lives may dictate that we remain single for the time being. The problem is if we’re remaining single for purely selfish reasons, such as remaining irresponsible or commitment-free. Second, if we are to “put off” sexual sin, we should “put on” right sexual behavior. For the single people, this means behaving in an appropriate way to members of the opposite sex, acting out of love toward them. But married people can “put on” this right behavior to the fullest extent by replacing a self-serving sexuality with a God-honoring sexual relationship (1 Cor 7:2–5).
All that aside, as I continue to think through the article, I think I’m figuring out why it resonated with me so much. In just about any Christian book on lust and sexual temptation, the author will fall all over himself reassuring us that our sex drive is indeed a gift from God. Well, this is great for married people. How about me as a single person? It doesn’t seem like much of a gift at all—more of a curse—and these books focus entirely on ways for single people to suppress their sex drives, never explaining why sex drive for a single person is in any way good.
Don’t get me wrong—sexual purity is absolutely essential. But what I appreciated about the article was that it helped me see how sex drive could be good for unmarried people after all. If I had no sex drive, would I pursue marriage? To be totally honest, I doubt I would. So I think it’s helpful to approach the sex drive as God’s way of encouraging me to grow up and get married, and not live in my mother’s basement playing World of Warcraft until I’m 40. In this sense, I can appreciate and give glory to God for sexuality in a way I couldn’t before.
Just a FYI,
In the churches history/tradition, Mary was 13 when she was visited by the angel, and this age for marriage was not uncommon. A lot of this problem comes from our society constantly pushing back the age at which a person was expected to grow up and take responsibility for their lives and actions. Most cultures traditionally used the 13th birthday. After that the parents were more coaches and advisers. Even the laws of the land don’t allow for that anymore. We’ve artificially stretched out the schooling system, then if you’re bright we’ll keep you in school till you’re 30 and insulate you from the real world until you are permanently distorted.
Also the note that singleness is a blessed condition is right on. That said the the protestant church by and large provides no context for them to live out that calling.
I’ll respond with more thoughts later when I have time, but overall I thought the article was much needed in an age of extended adolescence and career idolatry. It was very refreshing and edifying… more later!
Dave,
I haven’t had a chance to process the article fully to comment on it…but before reading this I ran across an interesting critique of it by Al Mohler….I thought you might like to see it. Here’s the link: http://www.albertmohler.com/blog_read.php?id=4161
You may NOT live in my basement playing World of Warcraft until you are 40!!!!
I like what Becca K said.
The discussion on this subject is worthwhile.