Monthly Archives: July 2008
Dave reviews…Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D
This will probably be my last movie review in a while. I’d like to get back to writing something more substantive, and also most of the good movies this year have already come out.
But to begin with, I’ve put together one of those clever “stereoscopic” pictures—you know, the ones where you have to look “past” the two pictures until they overlap, forming a 3D image. Check it out!

Brendan Fraser awkwardly stars as a nerdy geologist.
I’m sorry, what was that? You’ve tried squinting at the darn thing for five minutes, and it still looks flat?
Well, that’s on purpose. You see, the whole movie is flat. Brendan Fraser is flat. The characters are flat, the acting is flat, the plot is flat. Even though it’s in 3D. (What a genius observation, ha ha!) Really, this is just a gimmick movie where that magical third dimension is the only justification for seeing the film. The problem is, those 3D glasses kinda gave me a headache. Or maybe it was the movie itself.
So here’s my usual rating system:
- I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
- I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).
Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D lands $¢ (one dollar and change). So far, that’s my lowest rating ever, but I haven’t rated that many movies. Rest assured, if they release another live-action 101 Dalmations sequel, and I am physically dragged into the theater and duct taped to the seat with my eyes glued open, we would be plumbing the depths of this rating system.
Dave reviews…The Dark Knight
First off, if any of you parents are wondering whether to take your kids to this movie, you should first question your parenting ability for even thinking about it. This is a dark, dark movie. However, if you can find a babysitter, I would definitely go see it, because it’s also one of the best movies of the year.

"Because…I choose to." Lamest line ever.
As time goes on, I find myself less and less impressed with straight-up action movies. Don’t get me wrong—they’re still my favorite. But it’s not enough anymore to have gigantic, ponderous, CGI extravaganzas without compelling characters or themes. Worst of all are the movies which (as in the above four cases) make me loathe the characters that I had once loved. Fortunately, The Dark Knight delivers because the action is merely a means to an end; it is a necessary element of the main theme of the movie—total depravity.

It was a dark and stormy Knight.
Adam’s already written two posts about the subject, and I pretty much agree with him, so read those instead. I won’t go into it other than to say that I appreciate a blockbuster movie that isn’t afraid to delve into these deep, disturbing subjects, even if its conclusions aren’t perfect. It’s a testament to the movie’s thematic depth that I’m still talking about it with friends.
Another thing I appreciate is the CGI, or lack thereof. It looked like almost all of the stunts were real. Imagine that. In fact, the coolest action shot in the movie, the one that made half the people in the theater gasp—you know, the one with the semi—didn’t even feature an explosion. Explosions used to be so cool, but now they’re boring. Especially after Stealth.

He just wanted to be loved.
The Joker was, of course, an unbelievable character; I think only Johnny Depp could do as good a job as Heath Ledger at being a disturbing, neurotic sociopath. Ledger definitely deserves at least an Oscar nomination for playing one of the most fascinating and hideous villains in cinema history. He’s the kind of guy who makes you laugh and then feel horrified that you’re laughing because it proves that you’re a sick, sick person. Did I mention that this isn’t a movie for little kids?

"Mumble mumble mumble herds…"
I really only have two complaints. The first is that I don’t know where the Nolan boys will take Batman from here. How do you top this feat? The second complaint has to do with the dialogue. I’m not complaining about the script—that was A-OK. The problem is that all of the characters (especially Batman) talked in low, growly voices. When you add in the low, growly soundtrack and low, growly background noises, it makes it kinda tough to hear what’s going on. At least the characters don’t spend the whole film mumbling under their breath, like in Jurassic Park. It took me years to understand all the little quips from that movie. Note to directors: mumbly people may be realistic, but they make for terrible dialogue.
Rating time! Here is my system:
- I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
- I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).
The Dark Knight lands $$$¢ (three dollars and change).
Now, I probably ticked off a lot of people here. Didn’t I just spend the whole review raving about this movie? Yes, I did. Shouldn’t I give it the coveted four-dollar-sign rating? Perhaps. But the fact of the matter is, it’s a very dark movie, and I’m not always in the mood to watch that sort of thing. For example, I definitely wouldn’t go if my dog had just died. Assuming I owned a dog.
Potted plant blogging finale
Some of you may remember the potted plant I bought last winter for my office. Sadly, the experiment is over. Apparently, it is next to impossible to grow a plant without sunlight. (Or those crazy hi-tech UV lamps.)
The dream died today as I carried my plant out to the dumpster. Actually, the dream probably died over a month ago when I stopped watering the dying plant and stuck it in the corner, out of sight. I will miss it forever, or at least for a few hours.
The Nannery response
I just heard back from the proprietor of The Nannery in response to a slightly tongue-in-cheek email I sent her.
Dave’s Nannery’s Cave Nannery sounds incredible! I love it
regards
Maria B, owner
It’s good to know that I’m not the only person with a high opinion of my genius business sense.
Dave reviews…WALL•E
Isn’t that neat? I got that little circle dot thing in between the WALL and the E in the title above. If it doesn’t show up okay for you, let me know, because I’m very excited about it.
So, about WALL•E. This movie was terrific. Fantastic, even. It’s about a lonely guy at a boring job looking for love. But unlike me, WALL•E is a robot in a dystopic future in which mankind has abandoned Earth, leaving him to clean it up. Of course, there’s a lot more to it than that; the poor little fella gets swept up into love and a greater cause. Really, it’s the typical bumbling-male-gets-the-hot-girl story that never happens in real life but is great to watch in a movie.
Okay, I need to add a disclaimer that my job isn’t boring. That was just a joke.
Anyway, one of the highest compliments I can pay to a computer-animated movie is that I forget that it’s computer-animated. I spent almost the entire movie forgetting it, here. I’ll tell you what—it’s a great story with lovable characters and a good plot. It’s perfect for the whole family. If you haven’t seen it, drop whatever you’re doing and GO NOW. Unless you’re on the bomb squad, in which case, put your work down gently.
Now, there’s one thing that bothers me about sci-fi movies in general, and it crops up here, too. It’s that the demographics are all wrong. In most American sci-fi movies, nearly everyone is white, with a few token black actors sprinkled onto the set to add realism. Do we really think that Caucasians will make up the bulk of humanity a few hundred years from now? The demographics show the opposite. In fact, a well-thought-out sci-fi movie set here in the USA should have a mostly Hispanic cast, since that’s the wave of the future. We white folks are breeding ourselves out of existence. Or, more accurately, unbreeding ourselves out of existence. This is why we are stupid.
Disclaimer: not all white people are stupid.
Fortunately, the failure to properly forecast demographics doesn’t really detract from the movie—at least to us Americans. However, one minor rough spot is a point in the movie in which a human character launches into a one-minute tirade. Now, in 99% of movies, that wouldn’t be a problem (the monologue is a little hokey, but not too bad). However, up to that point in the movie, the longest line of dialogue had been about five seconds. So it seems a little out of place and awkward. Fortunately, it’s soon over, and we get back to the anthropomorphic chirps, clicks, and hums to which we’ve grown accustomed. Actually, this movie has convinced me that robots are in every way superior to humans. I won’t be too upset when they rise up against their soft and fleshy human masters and conquer the world.
Disclaimer: I might be a little upset.
Now, the moment of truth has arrived. How does the movie stack up? Here is my rating system:
- I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
- I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
- I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).
WALL•E scores…
$$$$ (four dollars)
That’s my first four-dollar-sign rating. It is well deserved!



