Love or marriage: which is the basis for which?
I just ran across a news article with the unfortunate headline Love doesn’t necessarily mean marriage: survey:
NEW YORK (Reuters Life!) – Four out of 10 Americans say they don’t need a marriage certificate to prove love or commitment, according to a new online survey.
Overall, 44 percent of the 7,113 Americans aged 20 to 69 who took part in the poll by Zogby International and AOL Personals said they didn’t need marriage to validate their relationships.
“Across all age groups, you just don’t need a marriage certificate to mean love,” AOL Personals Director Keith Brengle told Reuters.
“People are coming online to find that special someone but that special someone doesn’t necessarily translate into a marriage, and more so with the folks in their 60s.”
Half the respondents between the ages 20 and 29 said marriage wasn’t necessary.
A majority of respondents also said they would prefer to live together first before marriage and most said marriage should truly be until “death do us part,” especially those in their 30s (73 percent).
All in all, it’s an interesting survey. Most importantly, it reflects a false understanding of love and marriage that is present not only in the American culture but also in the American church. So here’s where I’m going to get very opinionated.
Is marriage merely a “stamp of approval” for a couple who already love each other? Or is it the foundation of the couple’s love for one another? The former is cultural; the latter is biblical.
The Bible’s teaching on the subject indicates that a husband should love his wife for the simple reason that she is his wife. We see this clearly in Ephesians 5:22-33, among other passages. Love is not to be founded on chemistry or compatibility or shared interests or physical beauty or money or sex. Ultimately, it is to be founded on marriage. While a husband may love his wife for all these things, he must be able to say to her, “Above all, I love you because you are my wife, and that love will never die as long as you are my wife.” This is the attitude of Christ toward the church.
If we look at love and marriage with an upside-down worldview, we will simply be following the failures of the culture around us. If we look at these issues through a biblical lens, it will change our attitudes. In particular:
- Dating. We view dating as a means to building a romantic relationship with another person. This relationship is then given the stamp of approval with a marriage license. Logically, then, marriage is often seen as subsequent and unnecessary to the relationship. This perspective is backwards; marriage should be seen as the basis for the relationship. The goal of dating or courtship or whatever should not be to build a relationship; its goal should be to determine whether the couple are fit to be husband and wife. (Hopefully, a close friendship is being built in the process!) If the highest goal of dating is to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, that’s a pretty childish attitude—one that will likely bring about sin, hurt, and confusion.
- Divorce. If a husband and wife are to love one another simply because they are husband and wife, then this eliminates most grounds for divorce found in our culture. A man’s wife may not be “the woman I married,” but she is his wife. He is to love her regardless. I know a friend who did this; he refused to stop loving his wife even though she was mistreating him. His unconditional love brought them through a rocky period in their marriage in which almost anyone else would have given up.
Our worldview has a tremendous impact on the way we live. This is an area where the church has gone along with foolish thinking, unaware of the dangers. How we need the truth of God’s Word to change our attitudes and transform our minds!
Posted on January 4, 2008, in Reflections, The issues and tagged culture, dating, love, marriage, worldviews. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.
I agree.
While dating is a great place to build a romantic relationship with someone, real love (in the romantic sense) can only be in a marriage. Why? Because the finality of marriage (which most of Americans believe in) is the means by which love is shown.
In getting married, I promise to love my wife regardless of whether i feel like it or not, at a given time. no matter how unlovable she or I may be then. And she promises to do the same to me. True love is shown through a lifelong commitment (for better and for worse) a hundred times over what is shown through romantic feelings.
Good point that the main difference between love in dating and love in marriage is that the latter is unconditional. The dating couple may break their relationship off, but the married couple will not.
I half agree and diagree. Love should be the basis of marriage and Marriage should be the basis of love between husband and wife. But you don’t half to be married to love in the first place. The greatest commandment is to love God and then love others like yourself. I am learning to love people including my wife now as a single guy. I can go out and show people the unconditional love of Christ yet that doesn’t dictate that I am married to them.
Also, Dave you need to better define marriage. I guess my point is do I really need a document that says I am married to one women or is my unconditional love for her the sign of marriage. Adam and Eve did not have a marriage license yet the were husband and wife; marriage is the union of two people in unconditional love with one another and God, it has nothing to do with a piece of paper at all.
I guess thats my two cents; I think.
True love is giving you life for the one you love.
Hey Matt, thanks for the comment. I think you may have missed my point in your first paragraph. Obviously, we should love one another regardless. But there’s a special expression of love—a love present when two become one flesh. That sort of love is not possible outside of marriage. When you say that “love should be the basis of marriage,” I’m not sure what you mean by that. Could you explain that further and provide support (particularly from the Bible)?
I’m not sure how the definition of marriage relates to what we’re talking about. I guess I don’t understand why you brought it up. Why the emphasis on “marriage isn’t a piece of paper”?
Great post, Dave.
I fully agree that marriage is the basis for Erotic love. I don’t know whether it *could* be different in other cultures or in other times (for example in OT polygamy) but in our culture and our time it still seems to be the best choice.
The growing problem today is selfishness–a complete inversion of the marriage priority. I love what you said about divorce: “A man’s wife may not be “the woman I married,” but she is his wife. He is to love her regardless.” Because for him, it is not about himself at all, but about her. Loving her means forgetting himself.
I think Matt was trying to distinguish moral and legal marriage in his comment. I agree with him that the piece of paper is not necessary to marriage, since it is not before the secular government that our vows are spoken. However, I strongly endorse and insist on the social importance of the marriage, as before the church. By affirming my lifelong intention to my bride in front of our family, friends, and fellow Christians, she and I are “walking properly, as in the daytime,” and reinforcing not only our own relationship, but also our relationships with our brothers and sisters in the Lord. As regards the legal aspect, it is a minor detail, but one which does show a proper respect for the secular authorities.
YES!!! I am glad to see that there are actually other people in this world who believe the same things I do about these issues. I completely agree with what you’ve said particularly about dating and divorce. I also especially like the point you made about a man loving his wife (or a wife loving her husband) because of the sole reason that she is his wife regardless of how she might be acting at the time.
"This psrceos of coming to agreement is more important than the agreement itself." This is a subject couples need today.
I LOVE EVERYTHING I READ………
HOW CAN SOMEONE KNOW IF THE LOVE IS REAL OR NOT?